HOME INSPECTION BINGO: You’ve Got Mold!

A Real Estate Agent’s Semi-True Tale of Courage, Caffeine, and Crawlspaces

TL;DR (too long; didn’t read- for the scroll-happy crowd):
Yesterday, I went to a home inspection with my buyer clients and walked out with three new phobias, a questionable rash, and a completed bingo card.

🗓️ Diary Entry: Friday, 9:07 AM — “Optimism. Rookie mistake.”

I arrive early. I am caffeinated. I am wearing sensible shoes.

That all changes when the inspector points to the attic and says, “We’ll start up there.” He starts up a rickety pull-down ladder, where insulation meets cobwebs and mystery stains. The inspector disappears into the shadows with only a headlamp and a clipboard. I hear muttering. I hear cursing. I hear…a thud.

He re-emerges looking like a man who’s been through a custody battle.

BINGO SQUARE: Attic Critter Encounter ✅

BINGO SQUARE: Found Box labeled “Teeth” ✅ 

🕥 10:00 AM — “We go below.”
Now we’re in the crawlspace. And by “we,” I mean him, while I crouch outside like a concerned parent on the sidelines of a soccer game. He slithers under the house and shouts back things like:

“Do y’all know there’s a kiddie pool down here?!” and “Oh! Wait. Nope. I was dead wrong.”

BINGO SQUARE: Standing water ✅
BINGO SQUARE: Possum eyeballs caught in flashlight ✅

🕚 11:30 AM — “DIY Plumbing & Duct Tape”
The kitchen sink appears to have been assembled entirely out of Home Depot returns. The inspector runs the water upstairs, and it begins raining softly into the dining room. We all just stand there. Watching.

BINGO SQUARE: Duct tape plumbing ✅
BINGO SQUARE: Confused seller says “It’s never done that.” ✅

🕐 1:00 PM — “Lunch? No. Mold? Maybe.”
At this point, I’ve stopped checking the time. The inspector gestures to a dark stain creeping along a closet wall and says: “It’s not technically black mold,” which is not the comfort it sounds like.

The buyer starts Googling “mold remediation costs.” I start Googling therapists.

BINGO SQUARE: Suspicious black splotch ✅
BINGO SQUARE: Room that smells like a wet diaper ✅

📝 Final Score: BINGO. And ONE therapy appointment booked.

Conclusion: Buyer backed out. Inspector’s in therapy and I’m writing this from a decontamination shower.